Diary Extract 47 July 29 1760

Tuesday, July 29 This morning I rose early; I found my heart drawn towards the Lord, though still poorly in body. I have an inward persuasion that the Lord will at some period impart to me abilities for public work; and yet I am conscious that there must be a great change wrought in me, before I can be a proper person to labour in the word and doctrine. The Lord gave David encouragement that he would make him king of his people Israel; and yet how much had he to press through before he attained that honour! Thus it was with Joseph, and with the children of Israel; and so I am inclined to think it may be with me. May the Lord give me strength, and help me on so that I may see that all things are working together for my good!

Diary Extract 46 July 27 1760

Saturday, July 27 1 was in the morning weak and poorly in body ; but, blessed be God, not destitute of comfort. In reading Job i. in Clarke's Bible, I was much interested, and found much matter for useful meditation. Mr. Crabtree preached a funeral sermon for Mrs. Sarah Pickard, with which I was deeply affected. The text was, Ezek. xxiv. 16:6 Son of man.

Diary Extract 45 July 25 1760

Friday, July 25 In the forenoon I was happy in my mind, though but poorly in body. I had some sweet meditations when engaged in business. In the evening we had a meeting in the vestry. I delivered my thoughts on Prov. ii. 3, 4, 5: If thou criest after knowledge,' &c; but was much contracted in my ideas, and had not freedom of utterance. I have learnt that utterance, as well as knowledge, is the gift of God: 1 Cor. i. 5.

Diary Extract 44 July 23 1760

Wednesday, July 23 This day my mind has been closely engaged in meditating upon God's Word, in which I was very comfortable, and also in my devotional exercises. I felt a humble submission and reconciliation to the Lord's will, whatever it might be. My prayer to the Almighty was, that he would qualify me for whatsoever he might be pleased to call me to.

"O Lord, I know not what to do, but my eyes are upon thee." Thy thoughts are not as our thoughts but, if in thy wise counsel thou hast fixed upon me to be a chosen vessel to bear thy name to Gentile sinners, I earnestly implore that thou wouldst give me a right spirit, and bestow upon me every needful qualification for that most difficult and important work. If thou dost not call me to it, O Father, 'not my will, but thine be done!' Here I desire to rest, and beg that my unruly passions may never get the ascendancy, so as to draw me aside from thee and from the path of duty."

Diary Extract 43 July 22 1760

July 22, 1760 I had this day an interview with Mr Smith of Wainsgate. I opened to him the state of my mind. The advice he gave me was to apply with diligence to the study of the Scriptures, to attend to my secular employment as far as my health would permit and to wait till the Lord by his providence should show me more clearly what he would have me do. I told him it was my desire to take his advice in order that I might be useful in the work of the ministry but I found such a mixture of improper feelings of mind and particularly of pride in the thoughts of it that I was afraid it could not be of God; he, however, still advised me to take that course. O Lord, thou knowest my weakness, the pride of my heart and my utter inability for so awful a work.

Diary Extract 42 July 21 1760

Monday July 21 1760 four o clock pm I have just read over the second epistle of Timothy which is an excellent form of sound words both with respect to faith and practice. I desire to attend to it with application to myself and endeavour to improve by it. O that I may walk in the steps of young Timothy.

In the evening after family prayer I spent some time with my friend John Pratt and found considerable advantage from reading Henry's Exposition on the 14th chap of Hosea and from the conversation I had with him.

Diary Extract 41 July 18 1760

Friday July 18 1769 [The diary for this day and the preceding contains two beautiful passages from Her vey's Meditations and Milton's Paradise Lost Book VIII In the evening he subjoins]

I attended the funeral of Mrs Pickard. Mr Crabtree gave an exhortation from Rev xiv 13 Blessed are the dead that die in the Lord &c. It was a very affecting season. During the solemnity I was impressed with the idea that perhaps I was the next that might be taken out of our little community. My constitution is extremely weak and as far as I can judge I am in a declining state. O that I may be every moment in actual readiness for that great change which has now passed upon our deceased sister. Four or five days ago she was in a better state of health than I am at present and now she is gone. Her body is committed to the dust and her spirit ascended to God that gave it.

Diary Extract 40 July 16 1760

Wednesday, July 16 In the afternoon I metwith Mr Hartley as he was going to Leeds. I had some conversation with him and he left me a letter in answer to a question which I proposed to him respecting my desire to be employed in the work of the ministry. The letter contains these observations in connection with some others.

Without doubt a desire to be engaged in this work is not only lawful but needful to all those who enter into the Lord's vineyard 1 Tim iii. 1 should bear this office willingly 1 Cor ix 17 but then it is very necessary that we seriously examine what ends we have in view. If we are influenced by other principles than love to God and love to men and if we have any other end in view or at least any more prevailing end in view than the glory of God and the spiritual and eternal welfare of man our hearts are not right in the sight of God. The principle is best tried by the motives by which it is influenced yet as through the corruption of nature we do nothing for God but some degree of self pride and vain glory attends us therein so even in proposing or intending so great a work as this some motions from such principles may appear to those who will carefully examine their own hearts. What you have therefore to do in this case is not to see that you are entirely exempt from these improper feelings which is scarcely possible in this present imperfect state but to inquire what is the predominant desire of your soul or what is the highest end you have in view; if the motives I have mentioned, namely the glory of God and the benefit of mankind, you may then in his strength undertake the work not doubting but he who has called you to it will enable you to encounter and repel the difficulties you will have to meet with.

Diary Extract 39 July 13, 14 1760

Lord's Day July 13 This day Mr Crabtree preached from Ephesians iv 26 Be ye angry and sin not. This discourse was very seasonable to me. In many things I felt condemned and especially when the minister was speaking respecting being angry at the providence of God. I have for two or three days been troubled with fears respecting temporal things which have had a very unhappy effect upon me so as to harden my heart and distress my mind. I have found an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God Hebrews iii 12. After the morning service I had an interview with a friend and found some relief under my burthens in opening my mind to him. He told me that his feelings had often been the same as mine and mentioned for my encouragement those passages in Matthew vi 25, &c I went to prayer and was a little better.

Monday July 14 The weather is now extremely hot which occasions some degree of languor but I am better in health than I expected to be, thanks be to God for it. He is better to me than all my fears. My prayer is

Open my eyes thou God of love

And make me know thy mind

Send thy blessed Spirit from above

That I the truth may find

Diary Extract 38 July 11 1760

Friday July 11 I was unhappy in the morning under an idea that my present employment contributes to my indisposition and is unfavourable to my constitution. Be this as it may I ought to commit my way unto the Lord and trust in him Psalm xxxvii 5. Instead of that I have been anxiously concerned about tomorrow so that I am now filled with distress and unbecoming fears. O Lord help me to look unto thee and to trust in thy mercy. Thou didst give me my being, I hope thou hast made me a partaker of thy grace and therefore thou canst not but care for thy feeble dust the few days he has to remain in this vale of tears. O Lord. give me faith to depend on thy unchangeable promise Hebrews xiii 5 Let your conversation be without covetousness and be content with such things as you have for he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.

Diary Extract 37 July 7-9 1760

1760

July 7 This day the word of God was precious to my soul and I loved it as the Psalmist says for its purity Psalm cxix. I cannot forbear reflecting upon myself for being so negligent in the improving though some times painful work of meditation. What do I lose for want of this? I may well be lean and meagre in myself and of little use to others so long as I feel so reluctant to this duty/ In the evening I met with some of my Christian friends and at their request went to prayer. I was afterwards pained in my mind with the thought that I had acted the hypocrite and pretended to be more religious than I really was. O Lord search me.

Tuesday July 8 Read in the morning some of the Proverbs of Solomon and was delighted with many of his excellent sayings but had not so clear an understanding of some of them as I could have wished. Being indisposed today, it was with difficulty I struggled through the work I had to do. In the afternoon I spent some time in the study of grammar. O that I may acknowledge God in my searchings after knowledge.

Wednesday July 9 This morning I rose at half past five and went to our morning meeting appointed to be held for the revival of religion among us. We continued together about two hours and had some encouraging hopes that the Lord will regard our poor prayers. I have again devoted a portion of my time to grammar and other branches of science. O that I may be freed from all ambitious aims and not seek my own praise but the glory of God.

Diary Extract 36 July 6 1760

July 6 1760 This being the ordinance day though but weak and feeble in my outward man I endeavoured in the morning, along with my partner in life who was also indisposed, to pour out my supplications to the Lord beseeching him to have compassion on me to heal my wounded soul and prepare me to come to his table with true brokenness of heart and penitential sorrow. O that we may come thirsting for God as the hart thirsteth for the cooling brooks! The sermons today were intended as a funeral discourse occasioned by the death of J Shackleton. Psalm xcii 15 He is my rock and there is no unrighteousness in him. At noon I had some conversation with a brother respecting some rather unfavourable reports as to his character but from his explanation I concluded that his conduct had been misrepresented. I can truly say that I was induced to speak to him from love to him as well as for the satisfaction of my own mind but I am afraid what I said was not well received. I found my mind uneasy on the subject in the afternoon service and at the Lord's table especially during the former part of the time. Towards the close I was more composed and was enabled to look to a crucified Saviour in the exercise of faith though not without some doubts intermixed. I formed new resolutions to walk in the ways of God; may he give me strength to perform the vows I have made. If I remember right this is the twentieth time that I have sat down at the Lord's table with my brethren; perhaps I have not often to join with them in this world at this sacred feast this may be the last opportunity. O that I may drink the wine new in the kingdom of my Father. In the evening we had a meeting at our house at which many of our neighbours attended. J Ross came to our assistance. I read my imperfect notes of the sermons and found my heart enlarged in prayer.

Diary Extract 35 July 5 1760

Saturday, July 5 1760 In family worship I read a chapter in Proverbs and afterwards some passages in (Matthew) Henry's Life which were very interesting. I also wrote a little. Lord help me to redeem my time so that I may have a proper portion of it for every good work. In the business of the day I had some pleasing meditations but in general my heart was not so with God as it ought to have been. At noon I spent some time in reading Theron and Aspasio (work by James Hervey). We retired to rest a little before twelve but had not slept above an hour when my partner was awakened out of sleep by what appeared to her a real and frightful noise. I rose, though reluctantly at first, but I reflected that nothing could hurt me in the least without my Father's permission which idea enabled me to overcome my slavish fears. I thought of the saying of Job vii 14 Thou scarest me with dreams and terrifiest me with visions. It was some time before we could sleep again but I was enabled to look unto the Lord, humbly praying that whether it was real or merely imaginary it might lead us to seek after an actual state of preparation for that more awful midnight cry when the last trumpet shall sound that we may then be found ready.

Diary Extract 34 July 4 1760

July 4 1760 In the afternoon the preparation meeting was held at which I attended. Mr Crabtree first gave a few words of exhortation. The case of one who was desirous to unite with us again was considered. He had absented himself for a considerable time but the church being satisfied with his concessions, and the spirit he now manifested was willing to receive him again. Our brethren at Halifax sent a letter which was read desiring their dismission that they might embody themselves together under the pastoral care of Mr Joshua Wood: their dismission was granted: - the meeting continued from about one till seven in the evening. Though not very well either in body or mind it was on the whole an edifying season to me. After I returned home I did not properly improve my time but neglected to offer my evening oblation till I was incapable of doing it in a becoming manner. O Lord pardon my iniquity for it is great.

Diary Extract 33 July 1 1760

July 1 1760 I now enter upon a new month and a new half year. O Lord help me to use this portion of my time in a proper manner. After attending to the usual devotions and labours of the day, I went in the evening to the meeting. I had reason to complain of unwatchfulness and wandering thoughts but found my mind a little warmed by our pastor's prayer at the close of the meeting. On my return home my temper was not as it ought to have been, the consequence of which was family and private devotions were but irregularly performed.