Diary Extract 39 July 13, 14 1760

Lord's Day July 13 This day Mr Crabtree preached from Ephesians iv 26 Be ye angry and sin not. This discourse was very seasonable to me. In many things I felt condemned and especially when the minister was speaking respecting being angry at the providence of God. I have for two or three days been troubled with fears respecting temporal things which have had a very unhappy effect upon me so as to harden my heart and distress my mind. I have found an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God Hebrews iii 12. After the morning service I had an interview with a friend and found some relief under my burthens in opening my mind to him. He told me that his feelings had often been the same as mine and mentioned for my encouragement those passages in Matthew vi 25, &c I went to prayer and was a little better.

Monday July 14 The weather is now extremely hot which occasions some degree of languor but I am better in health than I expected to be, thanks be to God for it. He is better to me than all my fears. My prayer is

Open my eyes thou God of love

And make me know thy mind

Send thy blessed Spirit from above

That I the truth may find

Diary Extract 38 July 11 1760

Friday July 11 I was unhappy in the morning under an idea that my present employment contributes to my indisposition and is unfavourable to my constitution. Be this as it may I ought to commit my way unto the Lord and trust in him Psalm xxxvii 5. Instead of that I have been anxiously concerned about tomorrow so that I am now filled with distress and unbecoming fears. O Lord help me to look unto thee and to trust in thy mercy. Thou didst give me my being, I hope thou hast made me a partaker of thy grace and therefore thou canst not but care for thy feeble dust the few days he has to remain in this vale of tears. O Lord. give me faith to depend on thy unchangeable promise Hebrews xiii 5 Let your conversation be without covetousness and be content with such things as you have for he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.

Diary Extract 37 July 7-9 1760

1760

July 7 This day the word of God was precious to my soul and I loved it as the Psalmist says for its purity Psalm cxix. I cannot forbear reflecting upon myself for being so negligent in the improving though some times painful work of meditation. What do I lose for want of this? I may well be lean and meagre in myself and of little use to others so long as I feel so reluctant to this duty/ In the evening I met with some of my Christian friends and at their request went to prayer. I was afterwards pained in my mind with the thought that I had acted the hypocrite and pretended to be more religious than I really was. O Lord search me.

Tuesday July 8 Read in the morning some of the Proverbs of Solomon and was delighted with many of his excellent sayings but had not so clear an understanding of some of them as I could have wished. Being indisposed today, it was with difficulty I struggled through the work I had to do. In the afternoon I spent some time in the study of grammar. O that I may acknowledge God in my searchings after knowledge.

Wednesday July 9 This morning I rose at half past five and went to our morning meeting appointed to be held for the revival of religion among us. We continued together about two hours and had some encouraging hopes that the Lord will regard our poor prayers. I have again devoted a portion of my time to grammar and other branches of science. O that I may be freed from all ambitious aims and not seek my own praise but the glory of God.

Diary Extract 36 July 6 1760

July 6 1760 This being the ordinance day though but weak and feeble in my outward man I endeavoured in the morning, along with my partner in life who was also indisposed, to pour out my supplications to the Lord beseeching him to have compassion on me to heal my wounded soul and prepare me to come to his table with true brokenness of heart and penitential sorrow. O that we may come thirsting for God as the hart thirsteth for the cooling brooks! The sermons today were intended as a funeral discourse occasioned by the death of J Shackleton. Psalm xcii 15 He is my rock and there is no unrighteousness in him. At noon I had some conversation with a brother respecting some rather unfavourable reports as to his character but from his explanation I concluded that his conduct had been misrepresented. I can truly say that I was induced to speak to him from love to him as well as for the satisfaction of my own mind but I am afraid what I said was not well received. I found my mind uneasy on the subject in the afternoon service and at the Lord's table especially during the former part of the time. Towards the close I was more composed and was enabled to look to a crucified Saviour in the exercise of faith though not without some doubts intermixed. I formed new resolutions to walk in the ways of God; may he give me strength to perform the vows I have made. If I remember right this is the twentieth time that I have sat down at the Lord's table with my brethren; perhaps I have not often to join with them in this world at this sacred feast this may be the last opportunity. O that I may drink the wine new in the kingdom of my Father. In the evening we had a meeting at our house at which many of our neighbours attended. J Ross came to our assistance. I read my imperfect notes of the sermons and found my heart enlarged in prayer.

Diary Extract 35 July 5 1760

Saturday, July 5 1760 In family worship I read a chapter in Proverbs and afterwards some passages in (Matthew) Henry's Life which were very interesting. I also wrote a little. Lord help me to redeem my time so that I may have a proper portion of it for every good work. In the business of the day I had some pleasing meditations but in general my heart was not so with God as it ought to have been. At noon I spent some time in reading Theron and Aspasio (work by James Hervey). We retired to rest a little before twelve but had not slept above an hour when my partner was awakened out of sleep by what appeared to her a real and frightful noise. I rose, though reluctantly at first, but I reflected that nothing could hurt me in the least without my Father's permission which idea enabled me to overcome my slavish fears. I thought of the saying of Job vii 14 Thou scarest me with dreams and terrifiest me with visions. It was some time before we could sleep again but I was enabled to look unto the Lord, humbly praying that whether it was real or merely imaginary it might lead us to seek after an actual state of preparation for that more awful midnight cry when the last trumpet shall sound that we may then be found ready.

Diary Extract 34 July 4 1760

July 4 1760 In the afternoon the preparation meeting was held at which I attended. Mr Crabtree first gave a few words of exhortation. The case of one who was desirous to unite with us again was considered. He had absented himself for a considerable time but the church being satisfied with his concessions, and the spirit he now manifested was willing to receive him again. Our brethren at Halifax sent a letter which was read desiring their dismission that they might embody themselves together under the pastoral care of Mr Joshua Wood: their dismission was granted: - the meeting continued from about one till seven in the evening. Though not very well either in body or mind it was on the whole an edifying season to me. After I returned home I did not properly improve my time but neglected to offer my evening oblation till I was incapable of doing it in a becoming manner. O Lord pardon my iniquity for it is great.

Diary Extract 33 July 1 1760

July 1 1760 I now enter upon a new month and a new half year. O Lord help me to use this portion of my time in a proper manner. After attending to the usual devotions and labours of the day, I went in the evening to the meeting. I had reason to complain of unwatchfulness and wandering thoughts but found my mind a little warmed by our pastor's prayer at the close of the meeting. On my return home my temper was not as it ought to have been, the consequence of which was family and private devotions were but irregularly performed.