Monday, April 20, 1761. I had been for some time much indisposed, but was something better on Saturday. Yesterday, being Lord's Day, I went to the public meeting, not without some apprehension of taking cold, which I believe was the case; for in the afternoon I felt extremely ill, and was overwhelmed with sickness. The sorrows, and, as I thought, the pains of death, appeared to take hold upon me. I was ready to conclude that my useless life was drawing towards an end, and that the Lord was about to cut me off in the midst of my days. I had a deep sense of my past sins, which are many and grievous. I saw myself deserving of the Divine displeasure, and that if I am ever saved, it must be through the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ. Many of my Christian friends discovered great sympathy with me. I could not forbear shedding tears at the sight of them. Having taken something to drink, after one of my brethren had offered up to God a fervent and suitable prayer, I attempted to walk home, and reached, after a little time, by the assistance of some kind friends. Having perspired a little during the night, I found myself this morning much relieved, for which I desire to bless God with all my heart, and would earnestly implore that he would sanctify this affliction to the benefit of my soul. Psalm cxix, 74: 'It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I might learn thy statutes.'
I think it is good for me,
1st. Because I now see more into the emptiness and vanity of all earthly enjoyments, and into the frailty and uncertainty of life.
2dly. Because I have had a discovery of, and I hope some genuine sorrow for, my unfruitfulness, unwatchfulness, and many other sins of which I never repented as I ought to have done before. 'Before I was afflicted I went astray; but now may I keep thy word! Psalm cxix. 67.
3dly. I see great reason to be importunate with the Lord for the pardon of my sins, and strength and grace to enable me to keep the way of the Lord more perfectly.
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